I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
