I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
