I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
