just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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