You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
