Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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