a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
