Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
