my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
These tits shall not be calmed
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
