So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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