i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
