the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
