I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
it's like iHOP with fire
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
