she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
