Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
