YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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