No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
