Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
