Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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