I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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