All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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