At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
