there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
