I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
