I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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