Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
