I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
