Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
