while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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