I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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