I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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