Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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