Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish I only lived at night.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
