I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Randomize