He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
