I could have mohawked her pubes.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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