I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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