And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
