if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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