and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
