I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
