Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
