Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
