I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
