Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
be right there i have to get my cape
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
