Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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