i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
