dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
