I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
