Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
