I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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