her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
my phone needs a breathalizer
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
