i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
