she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
