I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Less talking, more tequila
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
