i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
