i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
