Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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