Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
