it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Only a mothe r could love this liver
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Randomize